Complete Integrity Remains Elusive!

A Personal Report or Is It A Journal Entry?

I don’t want to make excuses. I have not written on substack since March 5th; now, it is May 14th. And guess what???? People pay me on this platform!! To write!

I apologize. I am not trying to take anyone for granted. Honest.

I have reasons, but even I know they are lame as you know what!

But I will tell you a couple of them.

#1 - I have been working around the clock.

#2 - I took a trip for about 10 days. Usually, for me, that kicks me off my routine and it means that it will probably take a few weeks to get back into a daily flow.

#3 - I got sucked into the media and the news about everything and nothing. Clarence Thomas, all the gun shootings, the Rapist, the debt ceiling, the expulsion of reps in Tennessee, more mass shootings. Depression and Numbness.

#4 - I bit off more than I could chew in March when I wanted to write every single day about racial healing and wholeness - "Writing for Racial Healing: Daily Writing Prompts for Reflection During Black History Month." It was supposed to be 28 days long. I was riding high on doing a video every day in February. Well, I got as far as day 6.

And, I did start and I got into some deep research and I charted everything out for the whole 28 days. It was going to be awesome. But then the research was endless. It ended up being a more academic approach to this work than I thought it would be and I wanted to be careful about putting that kind of writing out there and it reflecting my professional work. So, I slowed down. No problem on that. I have no issues on that. Maybe I would do one prompt a week until I finished since it was such heavy stuff.

#5 - Then, OMG. OMG. OMG. I spilled coffee on my computer keyboard!!!!! So my Macbook died and I went all over the place trying to recover my documents. All my personal writing was in my downloads folder which, on a Mac, does not save to the cloud. I was sorting all my racial writing out as I was working towards the 28-day program. And I put everything in the folder ????

The last quote was $2,600 dollars for a 50% chance of getting my work back!!!!

Sigh!!!

No way!!!

I got a new laptop immediately, and so I am back in business. If you are a Mac user, and you have iCloud, make sure you also have Time Machine, which of course I did not have. And check your downloads folder!!!!

#6 - As a result of the caffeination of my laptop, I got into a major….I don’t want to call it depression…but it was numbness, shock, and disbelief - I walked around in a daze for a few weeks. I just could not believe that it happened. I was stunned. The wind was knocked out of my sails.

You see, five years ago, the same thing happened and I bought a “keyboard condom” which I use faithfully. But my coffee seeped into the laptop through the trackpad this time!! And I was going to buy a new laptop later this year so that part was not a big deal.

It hurt my heart to lose my writing. But finally, I was able to console myself that if I wrote it once, I can write it again, and I take writing classes and have some of my work in Google Documents.

#7 - I just did not know what to say here on Substack. Honestly, I beat myself up so badly, I switched off. Internally, I was using words like:

• stupid,

• self-sabotage,

• can’t get anything right,

• can’t finish anything,

• ADHD

• why bother?

Then, one monthly person canceled her subscription.

Guilt set in. (Nah, Iyabo, call it what it is) - Shame set in.

Now you know, when that happens, it is over.

I ignored the problem - I do the ostrich thing when there is an issue - and I threw myself into work. I froze. Classic Iyabo. When I felt a flood of shame, I would play about 10 to 15 crossword puzzles online or go find something sweet or spicy to eat.

Then, the lightbulb went off in my head that it was “shame,” and I said, “Nah, Iyabo, we don’t do shame. Let that balderdash go.”

So, I let guilt flow instead.

Guilt can be so wonderful. “I am not fundamentally wrong as a human; just my behavior is not aligned with who I say I am.” Just a warning to get back on track. That helped me change the internal conversation. We don’t wallow in it for too long. We use it as a tool to move forward.

Then work eased up. And I could deal with my feelings and tell myself the truth, stop rushing through my days numbly, and actually appreciate that something was going on beneath the surface. So the conversation became more gentle:

• stupid, (yeah, sometimes, but also smart about some things in life.)

• self-sabotage, (hmm??? maybe. But why? Like you are scared of writing a masterpiece or something? Now, that is hilarious - LMAO. The goal is to write daily. The masterpiece part is not your business!)

• can’t get anything right, (hmmmmm…your breakfast shake was on point this morning, so yeah, you get some things right and you are human, and you get some things wrong, and that is ok)

• can’t finish anything, (not true. You finish a lot of stuff and maybe you do not need to finish everything all the time. Some things you just need to let go of.)

• ADHD (O yeah, that. Well, did you take your meds today? Did you get your exercise in? It is for real, but ok. It is your superpower, you know. be gentle)

• why bother? (Honey, phu-leze!!! Now you are just feeling sorry for yourself. Whe you fall off the horse, you just get back on, and you have done this before so put on your big girl panties, and do what you said you would do, because integrity matters to us.)

And finally, I said, “Just tell the truth.”

And there you have it.

The whole truth and nothing but the truth.

No excuses. Just being human and not being perfect.

Here is the reality. Perfectionism and self-loathing for not keeping my word to myself and to others took over.

And that is the biggest lesson of all - Perfectionism is the hallmark of White Supremacy Culture. Ironically, it was the next thing I was to write about on Day #7 of the 28 days. I suffer from perfectionism just like everyone does and self-loathing is a result of too much individualism and the competitiveness that it produces. We all swim in white supremacy culture.

My hope and intention now is to write towards the 28 days of prompts periodically until I get done with it. And to continue with my more informal weekly missives. And just do what I do with ease and joy.

Thank you for reading this far and accepting my humanity in this process. I do apologize because I did not keep my word, and that is important to me, but I am now in a place where I feel I can move forward positively and that is a good thing for me. I appreciate you as a reader and a supporter. I am grateful and I thank you.

May we all be gentle with ourselves and allow ourselves to be fully human.

I don’t mind if you share this. I don’t mind if you leave a comment about when you had such issues, and how you overcame them!

Be well!!!

P.S. Happy Mother’s Day to those who celebrate and may we all get the nurture that we need to get through this thing called life. I miss my mama!!!