On Weaponizing

How We Harm Others Without The Intention To Do So.

The Backstory

I had a conversation with someone about my high standards at work, the pressure I put myself under, and how it may impact other people. I reflected on my proclivity that if I am going to do something, I “must” do it right and I must finish what I have started, like a book or a movie.

I said to this person that on the one hand, I naturally veer towards the perfectionistic end of things – If I am going to write an article like this one, for instance, I want it to be right – font, spelling, layout, paragraphs, 12-point size, blah, blah. It must be visually appealing as well as grammatically correct. I also write in the same manner as I speak. Often folks tell me that they can hear my voice reading whatever it is I write, even a social media post. Folks I have worked with, and some friends, may not skew all the way over to this degree of precision and it might even aggravate them sometimes. And I am not consistently like this about every single thing. Some people do not understand why it is important to me. For each person, reasons differ.

The other thing I said was that as a Black woman, I cannot afford to be sloppy in my work. I talked about coming up in an era where it was drilled into me that I had to be better than my white peers, to just get to a point where I could, proverbially, “have a seat at the table,” or more realistically, survive.

In response to my self-reflection that I want things “just right” and the societal pressure that I feel as a Black woman, this person said, “Well, that is upholding white supremacy culture and that is on you, and you cannot put that on another person.”

Whereupon I absolutely lost it, and I am still not over it!!!!!! 🥲😎😝🥰 Really, Iyabo, really? Ok, let us break this stuff down. What is the issue?

How Do We Get A Seat At The Table For Her?

What I did NOT say, was that:

1. I come from a long line of educators. Doing things the “right” way is the way of the educator and my father, my grandmother and my brother are all of this ilk.

2. I was an English major. Even as a child, I loved words and their expression and arrangement of them – written and oral. Therefore, honoring the written or spoken word is just part of who I am. Therefore, I studied it formally. Almost anyone who has studied the language arts formally gets rattled over the misuse of words.

3. As a transplant (immigrantish) coming to this country as a teenager with a non-American accent, the cells in my body, not necessarily my cognitive mind, knew that I had to “assimilate” to survive. That meant speaking and sounding like my environment, not drawing too much attention to my difference, and working as hard as I could to be a part of this society so that I would not suffer exclusion.

4. I still get misunderstood with my written and spoken words due to nuanced cultural differences that I still have not become aware of. Even after 40 years.

5. Unwittingly, I came to this space, to live the “American Dream” – a promise that if you work hard and you are good at what you do, you will be rewarded with a nice home in the burbs, a white picket fence, a stable marriage, 2.5 kids and 1.25 dogs or pets. Or some nonsense to that effect.

6. I hate to go back and read and edit my work, so often, there are typos, misstatements, and misinterpretations that cause me great distress as the misunderstandings that ensue are a recurring classic nightmare of the fact that I just do not belong here when mostly, all I am doing, is seeking “community.”

7. Outside of Nigeria, I encountered my first and only Black professor in law school, and she exuded “Black Excellence” in her work. In my seminary education, many years later, I was still impressed with the mentoring and coaching by several of my Black professors, who modeled and taught me “Black Excellence” as a prerequisite to my professional expression and demeanor.

8. I operate as a “two” with a “one” wing on the Enneagram. Twos are people people. One’s are perfectionists. ‘Nuf said. You do not need a certification on the Enneagram to understand that. I just came to the planet like this. No shame.

9. On Myer’s Briggs, I test as an INFJ. Pay attention to the “F” and “J” parts. This test shows differing psychological preferences in how people perceive the world and make decisions, i.e., default settings in a person.

a.    For the I, this means that means that I am a “Feeler.” I make value-based decisions by considering interpersonal harmony and personal ethics and how the people around me will be impacted, as opposed to the “Thinker,” who values objective logic when they make decisions.

b.    As a “J,” I judge rather than perceive. This means I seek order, organization and see the need for rules as opposed to working without rules, or taking the world as it comes and changing plans often or being spontaneous. Basically, I like rules and order and I do not have a spontaneous bone in my body.

Disclaimer: The American Dream and the assimilation were automatic behavioral/mental processes that I adopted unknowingly and with great unawareness. It is when, later in life, I began to unpack my experiences that I discovered that “assimilation” is toxic and not healthy. Integration is much better. And, years later, I can tell you with absolute certainty that my American Dream is now actually the “African American” reality of sub-humanization by the larger society. What a wake-up call!!

Stories for another time.

Confession

Now, please understand – full disclosure – I have committed this atrocity of accusing another precious soul in a human body of white supremacy culture behavior!!! I have weaponized social justice language and actually harmed other people with verbal violence by doing the same exact thing.

A white woman in one of my classes talked about the urgency to “do something about racism” and a myriad of social justice ills.

In response, I said, maybe not-so-under-my breath, “White supremacy Culture!!!”

She asked me with a chilling sharpness, “What did you say?”

And I said, “Everything being urgent and must be attended to right now is ‘white supremacy culture.’”

Whereupon, I had my butt fed to me by her: A bad-ass lawyer who has worked in the prison system and represented people on death row, and now provides legal services to low-income clients, community groups, and nonprofit organizations. Annnnnnnnd…… her child experienced the trauma of a shooter at their school the day before. No one was hurt, Thank you Lordy!

When you say “urgency?” That was urgent. She was living the urgency in her body, soul, and spirit. I must have thought that white people were not entitled to feelings of “urgency.” Therefore, I just put her in the white supremacy culture box.

So yeah, I have stuck my foot in my mouth in such an unconscionable way and I should know better. I was the facilitator!!!!!  It literally was an act of violence. And I screwed it up.

In the meantime, my mantra is “Do No Harm!”

Duh!!!

Therefore, if anyone else screws something like that up, I have no judgment toward them. I know the feeling. Not good at all.

Also, in all fairness, we are all mere fish, swimming in the water of white supremacy culture aka WSC. There is nowhere on planet Earth, at this point, that is untouched by the impact of the toxic traits of this dominant lifestyle. It is a matter of how aware of it we are, where we are on our journey of divesting from it, and what we are doing to uphold it and promote it.  

Weaponization

It is an act of aggression when we turn the knowledge we have on social justice issues, or the motivation of our moral standards to create a distance between ourselves and the humanity of another person by labeling them and judging them. It is an act of violence. It is a weapon of war. It becomes, “I am morally superior to you because I can see in you that you have this terrible flaw of WSC and I do not. You are bad. I am good.”

The sad part is that it is the easiest thing in the world to do.

These labels are important to understand the going-ons of the world and the systems that are built around us. But when we use them on humans, they can be labels that separate and dehumanize. And when we say them directly to a person, just like I did, it is an act of violence, a weapon of war.

Again, terms like WSC are about a system, and not a single person.

I know for a fact that the person with whom I was having this conversation with did not realize any of this. I know this would never be her intention. I know that it is not about me. I know. I know. I know. Yet I still lost it. O well!

Perfectionism

We use the word “perfectionism” without really reflecting on it. One dictionary says: “a disposition to regard anything short of perfection as unacceptable.”

I also know that mostly, perfectionism is unattainable. A person may have high standards but that does not equate to perfectionism. Some people just have the ability to see flaws in certain things due to their personality, and also their training. They can help correct things when it is needed. Or they may have excruciatingly high standards. I do not consider this “perfectionism.” I just consider these folks “detailed oriented” or “having high standards.”

It is not appropriate to shame such people. For instance, I want that trait in a surgeon who is operating on my body! I love that trait in chefs and in the food that I eat. I want that trait in services that are rendered to me. But not in the character and humanity of my family, my partner, or my friends.

With perfectionism, you are driven to do more, more, more, more, and even more. Even when the task is done, and you have met the deadline, there is this huge gap between “finished” and “satisfied.” It is a hunger that is never filled because “more” continues to dangle a carrot in front of you, ever unattainable.

Just stop! Stop chasing the carrot. You will never get to it.

As we live in this culture that upholds this level of “more, more, more,” it behooves all of us to learn to “practice satisfaction.”

Say to yourself,

“I did a good job.”

“Done.”

“I feel good about what I just did.”

“You go, girl!!” (or boy, or my non-binary self, or human!!”

“I am THE G.O.A.T.”

“I am awesomeness itself.

“Yes, yes, yes.”

Please, celebrate yourself. It is not egotistical. It is not vain. It is just treating yourself like the lovely human that you are, warts, and all.

We often expect to have the visceral experience of satisfaction to just show up in our lives, not recognizing that just swimming in the waters of WSC erodes that capacity. Therefore, we must practice it.

Example

I feel that there was something else I wanted to add to this piece. It is nagging me and bugging me. I am going to walk away before I post it and see if it comes to mind. If it does not, then c’est la vie. If it does, “Awesomeness itself!!!” And, regardless I will say all these wonderful things to myself that I got my newsletter out!! You go, girl!!!

I can always edit the post if I remember, or I can tell you about it in the next newsletter. Or I could post it on social media, or maybe ignore it.

It is hard to say, especially publicly, but I do feel good that the inspiration to write this today came to me and I sat down, put everything aside, and wrote this piece. On a Thursday morning!!! And I am proud of myself, my openness, my transparency, and my ability to find humor and compassion in all of this. And damn it, this is some solid writing! I am good with it. I am satiated. I am full.

That is practicing satisfaction. How about you? How do you practice satisfaction? Leave a comment and please share!!! Thanks for being here.